How many times have I got carried away with a conversation in my head thinking it’s real and obvious to the people around me. Too many times and I am sure I am not the only one.
Can we hold people to account to the standards in our head if we have never shared them? The answer is no, whatever the excuse however ‘obvious’ it is we simply cannot assume it’s clear to the person or people in question.
And there is a simple solution – being a master of saying what you want. This seems super simple and in theory it is, however this can be extremely hard for people to do in reality. It can take your full attention and focus to get those words out of your head and out into the world for all to hear.
If you struggle to say what you want:
1) Start small – i.e.amend an order at a restaurant to exactly your tastes. This is a safe place to practice saying what you want and don’t want, plus you get to eat something delicious!
2) Be bold – You have a voice, use it! Your thoughts and feelings are just as valid and useful as others so push yourself to air your wants to the people in question.
3) Do it for you – You have every right to say what you want in a productive way. If people around you aren’t used to you doing this they may not like it. Don’t let their reactions stop you, you’re doing it for you not for approval, keep going and build your skill.
If you have an unhelpful dialogue inside your head:
1) Let go – forget what people should have done and accept that you cannot control them. How someone acts is ultimately up to them and they are accountable. Once you realise that you cannot control those around you, this frees up lots of mental capacity to focus on you!
2) Gratitude – in the worst of situations we can chose to see a silver lining, likewise in the best of situations we can chose to see a negative…” oh I wanted my million pounds in £20s not £50s!’. Start the day with thinking of three things you are grateful for, make this a habit and see how it changes your outlook.
3) Review – are our expectations fair? Focus on the standards you hold yourself to. Are they reasonable or cripplingly high? Are you kind to yourself when you don’t meet those standards? Perhaps being kinder to yourself is the start of freedom from unsaid and unfair expectations.
There you have it, a few things to help get more productive conversations out of your head and into the world.