Test: Do you know how to be authentic?

You have great difficulty in giving and taking criticism, in maintaining a viewpoint that is not popular with the majority, and in expressing the depth of your thoughts with honesty. For you, engaging in animated conversation is a rare thing, you’re hesitant and feel more comfortable agreeing with the prevailing opinion. The emotion underlying your relationships is anxiety. As you watch for judgement and hope for validation, it’s difficult to be honest. This fear of being rejected, or judged, often stems from childhood. People who are over-sensitive to the opinions of others may have grown up with a sense that parental love was conditional, and may have learned to associate self-esteem and self-confidence with their performance and results. This may explain a level of perfectionism that can inhibit spontaneity. Inhibitions may also be the result of authoritarian parents who are frequently angry, as the child learns to keep quiet.

On the positive side: You may be diplomatic, and effective at smoothing out rows. And you are brimming with empathy, so you do make a good listener.
 
Exercises: How to give and receive criticism
The golden rule of giving criticism: It should be based on an act or specific behaviour, never on a generality, or towards the person in general.
1. Recognise what makes you critical. Is it an overall dissatisfaction, or an implicit envy towards others who appear to be able to express themselves freely? Or do you have a specific need or request? Formulate your criticism to be specific, so rather than saying: ‘Your behaviour is unacceptable’, say: ‘I can’t accept the over-familiar way in which you behave towards me.’
2. Make your position explicit rather than implicit. Say: ‘I am irritated by your lateness, please try to be on time,’ rather than: ‘You annoy me.’
3. Don’t try to anticipate other people’s reactions (‘She’ll think ...’ or ‘He’ll say ...’) Don’t finish sentences for people, either.
4. Differentiate feelings and relationships. We can reassure someone we are close to, a family member or good friend: ‘I may criticise your attitude, but it doesn’t mean that I love you any less.’ Or to a colleague: ‘I like you, but in this case I really think you have been negligent.’
 
The golden rule of receiving criticism: Listen and acknowledge (‘I’ve heard you’).
1. Don’t try to justify yourself. Justification amounts to a challenge, or a wish to play down the significance of criticism. It can suggest a sense of feeling embarrassed, guilty or ashamed.
2. Evaluate the criticism addressed towards you. If it is respectful and reasoned, then take it on board. If you find the criticism to be unfair, then either drop it, or explain that you don’t recognise yourself in it.
3. Work on the impact that criticism has on you. Think about what affects you, your areas of sensitivity. Is it re-opening an old wound? Ask yourself if, beyond it being hard to take, there are any valid elements in the criticism that could help you?

Exercise created with the help of clinical psychologist Maryse Legrand, secretary of the International Institute of Hope (institut-espere.com)