How to reconnect with your partner using a simple script tool…

Psychosexual therapist Cate Mackenzie explains a communication exercise, pioneered by coach Hedy Schleifer, to build connection, openness and authenticity between disconnected couples

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How to reconnect with your partner using a simple script tool...

3 minute read

When one or both partners are not fully present, they are โ€˜high desireโ€™ or โ€˜low desireโ€™ in terms of connection. The high desire partner is the octopus and the low desire partner is the turtle โ€“ pursuer and distancer. We can all be either.

In therapy, an octopus says: โ€˜We donโ€™t connect and itโ€™s their fault!โ€™ Turtle will huff: โ€˜Yes, itโ€™s all me.โ€™ In bridging, partners take turns to work through the script, below. It encourages both to open their hearts and connect, while listening and looking into the other personโ€™s eyes. For some, it may be the first time theyโ€™ve allowed themselves to be vulnerable. The speaker is โ€˜the hostโ€™ and the listener is โ€˜the visitorโ€™.

How to reconnect: a simple but powerful script

Host: I would like to invite you to the neighbourhood ofโ€ฆ (This could be any scenario that is causing pain or a block in communication, say, โ€˜my childhoodโ€™.)

Visitor: I hear you say you would like to invite me to the neighbourhood ofโ€ฆ (repeats the other personโ€™s words, say, โ€˜your childhoodโ€™). I am with you. Is there more?

Host: I feelโ€ฆ

Visitor (validates): So that makes sense to meโ€ฆ (Validate the other person as much as you can in words.) Now, I am curious: What do you feel about what I just said?

Host: I feelโ€ฆ

Visitor: Can you give me a snapshot of what these feelings remind you of?

Host: I see a picture ofโ€ฆ (Describes this.)

Visitor (validates): So that makes sense to meโ€ฆ (Validate the other person as much as you can in words.)

Host: States what they would like more of in their life.

  • I would always wantโ€ฆ
  • I would never wantโ€ฆ

Visitor: Tells a story about the other person by relaying the pieces of information they have just heard.

Visitor and host: Appreciate and thank each other and explain what the space between them feels like now.

Image: Getty

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