I’m still trying to figure out who the real me is
Our agony aunt, Mary Fenwick, offers a new perspective on whatever is troubling you

2 minute read
Q. Iโm 18 and, during the past six months, I have noticed myself thinking more about my sexuality. At first, I considered myself to be going through a phase, but now Iโm not convinced. My problem is that pronouncing the words โbisexualโ or โlesbianโ or even the phrase โstill trying to figure it outโ seems impossible. I think the things I fear most are the opinions and reactions of others.
How can I expect my parents, family and friends to accept me for who I am if I lack so much confidence myself? Name supplied
A. Thereโs a concept in Maori culture, โturangawaewaeโ, which means โa place to standโ. Itโs a reminder that being grounded gives us more authority to speak. A way to connect with your feelings is to write in a journal, with the aim of describing, not judging. You need protection from your own critical voice as much as from the criticism of others.
In case you get judgemental messages, remember you donโt have to pick a label, and the words you choose might change over time. One way in which labels can help though, is by connecting you with like-minded people. I like the approach of Australian website Reach Out โ they see sexual identity as part of wellbeing and only a portion of who you are as a person. Thereโs a forum to post anonymously, and get a sense of how others have dealt with similar questions. Iโll also give you a link to a Planned Parenthood page which makes a distinction between sexual attraction (the feelings), identity (the label) and behaviour. These three might not line up neatly: what people feel or do is not always the same as how they identify themselves. Once you reach a clearer space in your own head, choose when and how to speak. Relax, donโt rush it.
Mary Fenwick is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcรฉe and widow. Follow Mary on Twitter @MJFenwick. Got a question for Mary? Email mary@psychologies.co.uk, with โMARYโ in the subject line.
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