Getting rid of the disease to please
Oliver Burkeman focuses on tiny changes with the biggest impact. This month, we explore the one-word antidote - how to say no!
The idea
In a world in which work is, effectively, infinite โ there are always more emails and further demands on your time โ it isnโt selfish to say โnoโ. On the contrary, itโs crucial for doing your job well. (An overly demanding boss may think he never wants you to say no, but heโs wrong if the result is poor work.) Itโs vital in relationships, too.
But, our psychology can work against us: we fear conflict; disappointing others; or seeming less than super capable. So, should you err on the side of people-pleasing, thus becoming overworked and resentful; or ignore othersโ needs, which seems rude? Neither. The trick is to grasp that pleasing people, or doing what you think will please them, isnโt the same as actually helping them. โNoโ is rarely pleasing โ but itโs often helpful.
How to make it happen
Force a pause
We are most at the mercy of our people-pleasing emotions in the minutes after receiving a request. So, make yourself wait before replying. You can still be polite, whether in person or over email, but pause before committing to a decision. Youโll gain valuable time to think about the wording of your โnoโ, making it easier to say.
Be helpful, not pleasing
This is where you switch to the askerโs perspective: since they canโt have your assistance in that particular way, how would you be willing to help? Maybe thereโs someone else you can recommend, or something smaller you could do. โHelpfulโ doesnโt have to always mean โniceโ. For certain persistent askers, it might be most helpful, in the long run, to ask them to stop making requests or, in extreme cases, to refuse to respond.
Shut it down
As Christine Carter, author of The Sweet Spot (Random House, ยฃ20), points out, plenty of research suggests that we regret decisions less when they are irreversible. So, say a firm โnoโ. It might seem scarier in the moment, but youโll end up brooding over it less.
Oliver Burkeman is author of โThe Antidote: Happiness For People Who Canโt Stand Positive Thinkingโ (Canongate, ยฃ8.99)
Photograph: iStock